One of the first “automatic programs” I tried to rewrite in my head was about my body image. From TV shows and movies, to overhearing conversations around me, it was clear that being in a bigger body was not normal and the only acceptable response is to try to change it. Oh, and also, you had to hate yourself while you did it because “no one likes a confident fatty” (actual words said to me).
The longest and strongest-running automatic program, installed in my subconscious when I was but 8 years old, was going nowhere.
And then I found life coaching. Not the kind that we saw on daytime TV as kids in the 90s. I found a coach who dared to invite me to consider that it wasn’t MY programming that told me I had to hate myself because of my size; someone who explained that a combination of social conditioning, evolutionary biology, and patriarchy had installed that automatic program in my head, by way of messaging from the inputs that surrounded me (friends, family, TV, movies, music, magazines, etc.). And that not only was it not mine, but that I could successfully rewrite that code into a more uplifting and loving program.
The moment I accepted that it was possible for me to change this programming, I wanted nothing more. And from 2020-2022, I worked on nothing else as much as I did on this belief:
I am worthy of adoration, reverence, and celebration - regardless of what I look like.
In the last year or so, however, I noticed that the legacy programming was coming back at random moments. It would engage and I would be left breathless as the emotions associated with the legacy beliefs would flood my system, making me question the quality of the progress I’d made in the years prior.
That’s the insidious thing about this programming - not only will it come back with a vengeance, but it’ll make you second guess your ability to ever be rid of it once and for all.
For the last six months, I noticed it coming up time and again whenever I was going to be doing something different: going on a trip, meeting new people, learning a new skill, hosting my first workshop. The more new experiences I had, the more the legacy belief pattern came to the forefront of my mind. Several times, it screamed at me so loudly I almost cancelled the thing I was supposed to be doing that triggered the belief.
Thankfully, I recognized that it wasn’t my conscious brain choosing to think the old thought again but rather my subconscious mind trying to deploy it as a safety mechanism. The subconscious mind LOVES the familiar, and HATES discomfort. Even though those legacy thoughts made me feel like shit, they made my subconscious mind feel SAFE because they were familiar. With each new attempt to expand my horizons and open the aperture of my lived experience, my subconscious mind fought me viciously. Running that familiar pattern was like a salve, soothing the burning pain of trying something new.
And then I remembered a class I took in undergrad on applied behavioral analysis.
In one of the lessons, we learned about this concept called an extinction burst:
The definition of an extinction burst is a sudden and dramatic increase in behavior when reinforcement for that behavior has been removed. It is a temporary response pattern and will diminish and then stop as the reinforcement for the behavior no longer follows the voluntary action [source].
The old program was the behavior, and the reinforcement was the soothing comfort my subconscious felt when I chose to stay small, to not do the thing.
But I wasn’t succumbing to the old pattern anymore. I wasn’t letting it stop me from doing the thing, so the reinforcement no longer followed. If I conceptualize my subconscious brain’s efforts as an extinction burst, then I can recognize that eventually the behavior will diminish and stop.
It wasn’t totally about rewriting the program, because those neural pathways run deep. Yes, it was about writing new programming with new beliefs that are empowering and supportive and encourage me to feel great about myself. But it’s also about changing my relationship with the legacy belief pattern. It’s not a matter of will (which program is the strongest and can out-effort the other one), but a matter of acceptance.
When I accept that the legacy belief pattern is still a part of me, I can stop resisting its existence. When I free my energy from resistance, I have more energy to give to strengthening the new belief pattern. I can hold my subconscious mind in loving kindness as an important part of what makes me whole, and also move forward in my conscious mind with intention.
This minor shift in perspective has been monumental in advancing my journey to live with meraki. I can move forward without the shame of still having those legacy beliefs because I recognize them as part of the journey, not something to battle.
The extinction burst is always strongest right before the behavior changes.
Yes! You put this so beautifully. The extinction burst is REAL but if we can plan for it and navigate it, it won't put us off track. Loved this piece!